I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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