overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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