My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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