Where did you get a picture of my penis
this just has baby written all over it
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
