I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
