My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
