Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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