He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
