my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
