I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
