Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
honey bunches of taint.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
