Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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