This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
