I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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