i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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