I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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