I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
