You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
