Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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