Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
