Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
