I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
