I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
