remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
