I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
