im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
