my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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