You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
