I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
