She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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