you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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