Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
