My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
