where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
