Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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