I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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