If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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