Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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