i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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