You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
