i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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