Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
