she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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