literally had 100 drinks last night.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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