buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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