I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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