I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
