I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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