I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
