He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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