I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
