Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
