More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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