Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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